Oct 02
NOW ONE WITH IT!!! It’s The Damndest Damn Blog *trumpets blare*
Today is story day – normally Wednesday, but due to a server glitch it’s today. Yesterday’s Top Ten went over well with an overwhelming lol – one time. Classic. Is anyone but A.T. reading this part? BTW – A.T. makes his highly anticipated debut in the strip next Thursday. Highly anticipated by his mom that is. Aaaaaaaand no one laughed.
Let’s get to the story: My New Headlamp
I grew up in a small town. Pretty much six streets wide to be exact. 1000 people in the “township” area, but less than that in town. The town is beautiful – a wooded area surrounded by mountains. The sun would generally creep in an hour after sunrise and shadows would fall an hour before sunset. There was a river and two highways that cut through the mountains and kept us secluded if you weren’t old enough to drive – bicycles were extremely important to you – it was your independence! As a matter of fact, most of my family still lives there – it’s an incredibly integrated and diverse community. Think of a not so vanilla Mayberry, but in suburban New York City…so by that, I mean it was better.
One of the things about living in a town that size is that everybody knows everybody. And most everybody knows everybody’s business. If someone broke into someone’s shed and stole some fishing equipment, “someone” heard about it and it was dealt with – by the people who were involved. If you were “cutting up” and causing trouble – someone knew your dad – and he heard about it before you even got home.
Case in point. I had a bicycle. A nice ten-speed that I could ride a “wheelie” for a block or two. I saved up some of my allowance and bought it at the toy store I was working at part time. I installed my light on my bike just before dusk and couldn’t wait to try it out. It wasn’t a battery powered light – nooo my friends – it was self-generating. You see, I was thinking green before it was cool. Probably before most of you finally quit shooting green into your diapers. I was a trendsetter, a rebel. Ummm…Dottie.
Regardless, I eagerly anticipated heading out after dinner in the cover of darkness to shine my beacon of light for all to see…until…
My plan hit a snag. My parents were heading out for dinner and a drink at their favorite restaurant. You see, although I was old enough to stay at home and watch my brothers, I wasn’t old enough to ride my bike at night with no one home. What kind of sick mentality is that? Well disregarding the fact that at that time in our lives, my brothers probably shouldn’t have been left to their own devices, I had a plan. I needed to ride my bike and use my new light – remember – this is about ME people!!! LET’S FOCUS ON WHAT’S IMPORTANT!!!
Well shortly after my parents left, I did what any self-respecting, self-centered teenager would do. I ran to the garage and grabbed my bike pedaling my ass around town. I was out maybe ten minutes. A meager ten minutes – oooh but it was a glorious ten minutes!!! The light was beautiful! I could pop a wheelie and shine it in the trees, I could shine it in the face of oncoming cars, and well, of course avoid oncoming cars… AWESOME!
I put my bike away and headed into the house. My brothers hadn’t set the house on fire, hadn’t killed or maimed any pets and nothing was broken. Mission accomplished.
President Bush banner-style.
To set the scene properly, this was around 1980. There were no cell phones – hell, we didn’t even have a VCR at the time. I think cassettes had just dethrowned 8-tracks. Phones were still the rotary style and push buttons were “new fangled”. Yes I’m old – not McCain old, but close. My parents didn’t call, and I was sure for the time being that with my height and weight advantage, while not spectacular – or impressive – would keep me safe from my brothers ratting me out, lest they suffer the consequences.
My parents rolled in and we were all in our rooms. I remember my mom calling up the stairs for me. As I headed down to the living room, I figured they just wanted a report on how the night went. Since everything was visibly intact, I was safe.
At least that’s what I thought.
My mom asked me to sit down. And I knew instantly they were on to me – BUT HOW??? She asked me how the night went. I calmly said it was okay – the way kids talk to their parents when they don’t want to say too much.
Then my dad spoke.
He was/still is, a great guy, and a straight shooter. Feed him some drinks and he’ll be brutally honest – and he won’t take crap from anyone. “I just want you to answer one thing”, he started as I started to shake and get a knot in my stomach. “Did you take your bike out after we left”?
Not wanting to piss him off and not wanting to get in trouble, I said the obvious answer “nope”.
“You’re lying”.
“No, I’m not.”
“I know for a fact you were out riding your bike tonight!”
“What?” I wondered. My mind was rushing…how was it possible? I could smell the cigarettes and beer from the restaurant in the air, they weren’t in town spying on me – how could they know?!
“We got a call at Lindy’s.” My dad said in that tone that meant I was screwed. Lindy’s was my parents favorite restaurant – like a Cheers before Cheers. So someone in my beautiful little town actually called the restaurant and old school style, my parents were handed the phone at the bar and my future slowly unfolded unbeknownst to me. (Editor’s note: Sometimes I use cool words to look smart, but be rest assured, I look them up before I use them)
Sadly, I lost bike privileges for month. When I finally got to ride my bike, I went to the store in our little town where someone promptly cut the line that fed the power to my headlight. I never really got to enjoy my headlamp.
Hope you enjoyed that heart warming tale of how not to mess with your parents night out. Especially when they’re boozin’ and smokin’!!!!
Ken
lol